Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
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