“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
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