Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
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