"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
I always have a souper time with you.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
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