Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Your pace or mine?
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
I'm Claus-trophobic.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
She has high elf-esteem.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
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