“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
This is snow laughing matter!
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
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