I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
Talk literary to me.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
Beach you to it.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
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