“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
When are you due back in heaven?
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
I bet you’re really flexible.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
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