You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
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