What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Up to snow good.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
I couldn't chair less!
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
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