I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
I'm at my best during overtime.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Here comes the sun of my life
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
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