What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
People are always after me lucky charms.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
You're as hot as a desert summer.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
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