What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
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