“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
You are aged to perfection.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Talk literary to me.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
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