Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
That was thaw-some!
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
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