Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
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