My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I’m very frond of you.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
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