The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
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