What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
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