"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
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