“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
We were mermaid for each other.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
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