Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
You shamrock my world.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
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