My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
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