Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
That look soots you.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
I give roughing a whole new definition.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
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