Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
You're one in a melon.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
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