My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
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