Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
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