What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
But wait—there’s myrrh.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
You octopi my thoughts.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
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