I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Nice Ass-teroid.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
Calm before the score
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I goat this.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
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