What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
You look like trash, may I take you out?
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
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