How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
I find my core strength in you.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Get in the swim this summer.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
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