What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
I'm at my best during overtime.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
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