What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
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