I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
You octopi my thoughts.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Your name is insert name here?
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
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