What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
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