The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
I love your energy.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
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