Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…

My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.

What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.

Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.

Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....

4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke

I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be

I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.

What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”

What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!

“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.

Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

- Rodney Dangerfield.

Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!

"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington

A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.

Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.

Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.

Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.

I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.

You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.

Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.

Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.

If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!

Are you a barista? I like you a latte

A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.