Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Feeling my shelf.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
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