How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
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