Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.

I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.

How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07

What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver

That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!

What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.

When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?

Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.

How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!

“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander

What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.

What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!

The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.

I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.

No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?

“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown

Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.

If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!

“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White

Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.

“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends

"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain

How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.

I am fawn’d of you my deer.

You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.

What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.

How about a kanga-root?

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Winston Churchill

Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.

Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.