The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
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