What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
When are you due back in heaven?
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
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