How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
You’re wine in a million.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
You’re Isaacly my type
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Something’s goat to give.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
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