"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Don’t be elfish.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
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