I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
The superconductor left without resistance.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
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