You are un-beer-lievable!
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Go to BabaMail
