What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
He’s my pinch charming.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
I wanna bob for your apples.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
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