I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
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