What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Seas the day!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
“Monday should be optional.”
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
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