Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
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