“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
This is snow laughing matter!
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Everybody romaine calm.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
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