When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
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