Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.

What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.

Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!

What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.

You'd make for some real smooth sailing

The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.

What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.

You must be glue because I am sticking with you.

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.

What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead

What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE

What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?

Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun

Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.

Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.

I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.

A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”

“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.

Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?

What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!

If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.

“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard

Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?

When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.

Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?

There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.

Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.

I am cocoa-nuts about you.

What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

Irish you luck.

Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles

Don't fork-get your manners.