Every piece of you is sweet.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Girl you are rocking this run.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Funny meat-ing you here.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
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