Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
This is snow laughing matter!
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