What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
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