Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
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