Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
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