I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
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