It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I can sea clearly now.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
“Monday should be optional.”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Icy what you did there.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
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