When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
I think therefore I yam.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
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